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Dec. 29th, 2006 07:45 am "Trans-huh?" revisited...

I was rereading old entries and saw my one on the use of "woman" and "girl" and "man" and "boy" to talk about various members of the trans community. Here's what Google says today:

trans-woman, transwoman: 72880
trans-girl, transgirl: 80800
trans-man, transman: 245000
trans-boy, transboy: 12179

So what we learn is that transwoman has grown in popularity relative to transgirl, but that transgirl is still more popular. That transboy is far less popular then transman now then it used to be. And that transman has had huge gains in popularity, being far more popular then even transwoman + transgirl combined. I do find it interesting that the FTM community seems to use "transman" for more often then the MTF community uses "transwoman" or "transgirl". I wonder if this has to do with society simply assuming "transsexual" or "transgender" to be refering to MTFs and so the FTM community has had a greater need to be specific?

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Nov. 8th, 2006 11:31 pm And then what happened?

Well children, it was about then that a friend got this idea about starting a new business... and somehow this seemed like a good idea to me. I started spending my free time working on that, while still working my main job. (This also had the side effect of leaving me no time for introspection— I think this was a way for me to avoid my issues.) So I was really busy as we worked hard on both a business plan and the software that would support it.

Meanwhile I was applying to jobs down in the City and had a couple of interviews. (This was for four reasons: 1) I wasn't making enough money at my main job to do anything other then get by— this wasn't any fun. 2) If I ever wanted to transition then I'd need cash reserves. 3) It'd be a lot easier to get services to support transition in the City. 4) It'd get me closer to the friend that I was starting the business with.) Anyway, I interviewed a few places and they were very slow to get back to me. In November I finally decided to move to the City, new job or no, in part 'cause my existing job was prepared to let me work from there. So I moved down with the idea in my mind that I'd be working on this new business.

Only a week after I'd selected an apartment I got a call from one of the places I'd interviewed at during the summer. They'd misplaced my paperwork and were very apologetic. They called me in for lunch and offered me the job on the spot, making more then I'd ever made anywhere before. I took it, though it did restrict just how much work I could do on the new business. And indeed, it made it so that I had even less time to introspect. So now nearly a year's passed since I moved down here... no visible progress has been made, though not a day goes by that I don't think about it...

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May. 27th, 2005 04:10 pm Ugh...

Looking at my behavior I'm afraid that I may falling into a depression. Not the I'm-so-sad kind, but rather the hopeless-lack-of-activity kind. Listless, agoraphobic, shut in, all of these would describe me this past month or so. I'm in an up-mode today, which is the only reason that I'm able to have the where-with-all to even post this. It all became clear to me after I spent the entire day Wednesday self-consciously in a funk, unable to bring myself to do anything.

While some of this may be due to gender issues-- I'm starting to have the need to come out to more people and that's always really stressful-- that's only part of it. I changing jobs right now, leaving the company that I'm at now that I'm a partial owner of-- not because I'm unhappy with it but simply because it can't pay me either regularly or enough. So I get to job hunt and move... great more stress. But it's ultimately positive, I think. Right now I'm in a small town in a small state with basically no obvious trans-friendly resources. Getting a new job will move me into a city with lots of trans-related resources. This is actually a significant part of what brought about my decision to quit. The fact that my trans-ness is a significant factor in my decision is also pushing my need to come out-- I'd like to be able to tell my business partner so that I can help further alay his fears that I'm leaving due to some fault of his. But I also promised myself that I'd come out to my parents before I came out to anyone else...

And it's not that I fear a negative reaction from my parents. It's just that it will be emotionally draining and thus I'm avoiding it. And the depressive funk I've been in doesn't help me get up the gumption to do it.

I should add that the depressive funk is more worrying to me now then it once would have been, due to the fact that my mother was diagnosed a few years back with manic-depressive disorder. And that's inheritable. Mind you, she had only been expressing obvious symptoms of it for a year or so when she was diagnosed. It's not something that she had been suffering with her whole life. And she's on medication that really did return her to her pre-symptom self. So it's not like a-- oh no, the world would end-- sort of thing, but it is something I watch for in myself when I see highs or lows. Still, it's hard to know exactly where the line between normality and pathology lies.

Mood: discontentdiscontent

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Apr. 4th, 2005 02:55 am Interview with Deborah Rudacille on the science of gender

I posted this over on transgender yesterday:
IT Conversations has this interview available:

Dr. Moira Gunn speaks with Johns-Hopkins' Deborah Rudacille about scientific definitions -- science now shows us that tens of millions of people do not fall into the physiological definition of either male and female. They talk about her new book: "The Riddle of Gender: Science, Activism, and Transgender Rights."
(IT Conversations is a podcasting site, as such the interview is available for download in MP3 format.)

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Apr. 3rd, 2005 01:37 am On names...

I haven't selected a name yet. I have the option of selecting a female name that has the same nickname as my male name. As I'm only known by my nickname this would one less thing for folks to get used to. On the other hand, it seems to me that it might simply allow them to pretend that it's not happening, screw up pronouns, etc. Still, it does seem like the path of maximum lazyness and if there's anything I've learned, it's that the path of maximum lazyness is the path most often followed.

I posed this as a question to the mtf community here.

[Edit Dec 29th, 2006] I did actually pick a name... really, I had picked it even before I began this journal, I just wasn't commited to it yet. But now it's as deeply a part of me as my birth name ever was.

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Apr. 3rd, 2005 01:34 am On procrastination...

I had kind of been excusing myself for not making any progress in the last two months because there had been the possibility I would be moving to the city soon. (To start a software startup.) While this is still likely, I've realized that I need to not procrastinate any more.

First step going forward is hair removal, I think. Right now I'm tentatively planning on laser followed by electrolysis. From what I've read, I'm a pretty ideal candidate for laser, with dark (almost black) hair and extremely pale skin. Meanwhile I should be finding a therapist— though that's trickier due to my ruralness and non-driveyness— I may wait until moving to teh City. I guess it depends on how long it takes to become city bound. There just aren't many choices within a reasonable distance for me.

[Edit Dec 29th, 2006] Oh look, that didn't happen. :( As I said later, I did move to the City, start the startup, started a new job, and started living all of my free time in virtual worlds where transition isn't necessary. So once again I neglect my body (I become more and more dissassociated with it as the years go by). Still, there's some hope on the horizon now... though only time will tell if it's a false dawn.

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Apr. 3rd, 2005 01:25 am On coming out...

During transition all trans-people are forced to be out to many people (friends, family, employer, aquantences, etc).

This is rather different then the GLB growd, who can be picky about who to tell. Certainly, the server at your a restraunt you frequent doesn't have to know— this is hard to avoid for a trans-person. Maybe I'm just being small towny about this?
[Edit: Not meaning that the server will "read" you, but rather that they've seen you before and after transition.]

This is one of the reasons I think the trans-crowd is pretty invisible post transition. They've been forced to be out so much that they're sick of it and just want to sink into the background. I suppose the other part is that the first years post-transition involve, I'm sure, much insecurity in one's acceptance in one's new projected sex.

Now mind you, as I'm oriented towards women I'll still have to deal with out-issues, but they will actually help confirm my new sex, so I don't expect to be closeted in that respect.

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Apr. 3rd, 2005 01:15 am Told a friend...

Back around the end of January I came out to my oldest and best friend. He's taken it quite well, though that's not really surprising to me. (I will be surprised if I have trouble with anyone I actually care about, but you never know.)

I did this because I had the need to speak to someone. Talking to yourself in journal form is one thing, actually speaking to another is quite different. This is part of the reason that it is very difficult to bring about personal change through self-analysis alone.

We talked for several hours after I told him. One thing I thought was interesting was that he didn't actually immediately associate transsexualism with transition to the other sex. I guess he must have been hanging around with genderqueer folk.

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Jan. 10th, 2005 09:59 am Voice

Voice is one of those critical, often difficult and extremely personal issues for anyone transitioning. It's also one that I find especially interesting due to my interests in linguistics and language. While it was a concern for me, I wasn't too worried as I've always had a pretty good ear for the sounds of language.

A month or so ago I figured out how to produce a reasonably female-sounding voice that didn't sound like a caricature. I played some with using frequency analysis tools (which were fun, but for me, unhelpful). The voice just came to me one night while lying in bed. I'm not yet able to articulate exactly how I'm creating the voice.

In order to give myself tasks in practicing the voice, I'm going to go through my old posts and record readings of them. I'll then post the readings as comments. I suppose that once I finish going through once, I may go back and start again. It should provide an interesting view of the evolution of my voice.

[Edit: Hahaha, practice will I? Okay, so that didn't happen... and I'm not totally happy with where my voice stands today but I am pretty confident that I'll achieve it.]

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Jan. 10th, 2005 09:52 am The coming year

For the first time I can remember I have a specific future that I'm looking towards for the coming year...

  • I'll be taking my second Japanese language class starting later this month. Learning a language makes me go *squee*.
  • I intend to start electrolysis in the next month or two (or three). It will be interesting to see what reactions will be like as this will be the first time I will have shaved since I was 18.
  • I also intend to find a therapist to start down the more official road. Not only for the practical reasons, but also because I think it will be genuinely helpful. I do dispair at the prospect of finding someone local. It seems likely that the closest I'll be able to find will be an hour or more away. (It is pretty rural where I live.)
  • More work on the Voice. More on this in a moment...

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